Released: April 23, 2022
Written by Callie Ryan
1.
Tender touching and soft reckonings of hard falls.
I am invited to sit – warm on the seat, my lower back aching for warmth and calming to meet my tender belly.
Lemon squeezes for my organs – a tart invitation to swelter and release release my tension into the sun of the day – inviting coolness of blueberries and dark greens into my gullet. Into my heart as it softens – melting into the hand of my best friend. My partner and I cry and our hair is washed – our tongues re-palleted and edge onto the drip drops of our sink. The stove is oily, but we clean it slowly. My hands are dry but he holds them softly. My nerves are electric and mu muscles are tight but I lay on a gray couch, I sob. I listen to my bubbie’s tape – words of yesterday offered as an incantation for my mending heart missing you so.
I blur the edges of tears and where I am today – the saltiness softens my hardened wounds and my fiery fears. I see the wild cucumber spiky like I am. they are playful and my best friend’s touch is sweet. Soft echoes of giggles and sighs blend together for a sweet and rich shake. One with whipped cream, doused in milk and honey, spilling over with fragrance and long awaited satisfaction without concern.
A call lizard rests on the warm stone I look over and hope he feels good by my side on this morning dripping with son and lemonade.
My brain is turned to mush without even knowing it as I swish and swosh, lump, and gallop – my heart loses potency until fear jumps up and reminds me I am protected. I rinse my body off with water – I sit in front of our small gray table – amulets and cartoon characters create an altar. I light our candle and I pray. I thank my angels, my guides, my loved ones for the protection and the care I have received so that I may feel calm tonight. I breathe in 1 2 3 4 I hold I breathe out 1 2 3 4 I hold I cry again I step into the store I buy my sweetie some cookies, I drink mint tea I drink magnesium I drink up my heart and let it shift and form and gush and disperse and descend and rise and spread and form and reform – I am chasing after the water, I will try to find ease like water. I will try to soothe and moisten this abundant spirit which lives and breathes in my vessels, tendons, sinews, blood, fluids, milk, discharge, pockets, packets, and fleshy fatty pouches amen.
2.
Pink salt, light soft green lettuces, whooshing winds, and delicate needles. Lamps and gadgets, mud and clay, oranges, and gifts, alone time alone time alone time quiet quiet quiet – I am quiet with ease today. I am in the butter. Nourishing my belly our collective spleens and guts and livers and minds and hearts and lungs and spirits and bladders and pancreases and water and salt water and salt water and salt water and salt. Bitter greens to clear the distress – acrid herbs to disperse – shells to anchor – minerals to anchor – roots to ground – oats to calm – oats to care for – coconut butter to sweeten to make heavy to make thick to make rich and sweet. Bubbie’s tape to help me cry to help me relax to help me to breathe to help me to count 20 relax 19 relax 18 relax 17 relax 16 relax 15 relax 14 relax and on and on and on into infinity and beyond. Your long hair is perfect as you tell me how i’ve hurt you – I kiss your forehead and im so sorry. I am here I will keep kissing your forehead and learning how to sooth your fears and show you that you are my world my star my sky my softness my boldness my anger my desire my wood and earth my clouds my songs forever and ever into delight. I will hold you for infinity and if I frighten you im sorry if you frighten me that’s ok too. Your hands are soft and warm they hold my tender back my stiffening sacrum my foldy limbs and palpable joints. I love you.
3.
Millions of years go by and I want to grow. I want to grow deep down into the soil and sky high to heaven – I suck up nutrients through my legs – through the centers of my feet. I thank my teachers I thank them forever. Sages and rosemary’s challenge me to step out of my brain width. Mint is my friend and roses help me stretch stretch stretch. I enter a portal I step in to slow down, I want to slow down with you and with me – I want to hear the delicate and fluid flow of the blood in my veins and I want to hear my intestines clench and release breathe and begin to move – push and absorb absorb and push. I want to hear you better – I want to hear your more clearly. I want to cook for my loved ones and fill up their tummies so that their furnace is warm and they have the fire to keep loving and goo-ing and shining. I love them so much. Are we crossing time? Are you listening to this know? Are we hugging right now? Are we softening are we strengthening emboldened by this empty space this balance between form and force, emptiness and fullness. The fountain you bought me is on my table – I turn it on when I eat and when the batteries are charged it dribbles cool water and I think of you and I think of luna and I think of my favorite show and I think of all our angels and I love you amen.
